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f a r a w a y

by cam mahai

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1.
me & my mother met on the middle ground long after you stopped comin' round i said you were god she said that isn't true because god is never gone look at the ceiling of the room i didn't see yr shape there were only silverfish & the lights from my alarm clock 9:11 make a wish i still see you in pieces on faces on the train i do mental acrobatics when someone says yr name i can feel y o u disappearing but one thing's still the same yr on the far side of the room maybe you aren't gone but baby you aren't god but you made me feel like a christian like you died on the cross you would wash the feet of sinners & reassure the lost on the 3rd day i couldn't make it had a meeting with the boss i'm not scared of resurrection i'm just scared of what i'm not it's not the weight it's the distance it's the coldness between moons it's the emptiness inside an abandoned cocoon yr not there but i can see you if i squint my eyes yr on the far side of the room maybe you aren't gone but yr far away my love 0 9 / 2 0 1 9
2.
well i was waitin for the end to come but all i got was disappointment should've known how much i loved you then when you gave me yr athlete's foot ointment always on never off i'm stayin up way past my bedtime all the lights are turnin off & i'm thinkin of you in the end times well i heard what you said but we can't wrap it up 'til it's done no i can't talk right now 'cause yr still my number one what's this i've been redecorating my room ignite a love of change within me & if i fell for somebody new would it feel like god or blasphemy خداحافظ / خدای من are you starting to feel better خداحافظ / خدای من since you tore up my last letter what's next 0 4 / 2 0 2 0
3.
how could i not think of you when the sky gets super blue like a button in my head i suddenly wish for death cause i thought of yr eyes verdant nights in Foster park we went swimmin after dark hard to remember what i said but i'll die before i forget the oceans in yr eyes watch the sun set i try to move on but it hasn't happened yet no telling why yr the bluest sky cataloguing my mistakes ink on the page goes on for days i could run for president with my knack for reticence so i can never talk through it it's amorphous it always is i breathe the blue world in i start coughin a minute in o i'm paralyzed 'cause i thought of yr eyes yks tseulb eht ry yhw gnillet on tey deneppah t'nsah ti tub no evom ot yrt i tes nus eht hctaw 0 7 / 2 0 2 0
4.
like tired autumn leaves we fell to the floor you've clearly resolved to not call me anymore & damp autumn fog on my windowpane condensates & reminds me of last night's autumn rain i'm so sick but you seem to be better still stuck in it since we said now or never i'm so sick or maybe just under the weather were we better together 'cause my "feet [are still] in the fetters" i'm just bitter you figured it out was it infection from the cold or fear of growing old that kept us distant it doesn't help that i'm far as hell from Humboldt or affection for the bold for those who break the mold you said i give you light but what you need are wires nuts & bolts fair enough you need grease to push the lever i'm still stuck but i'm glad yr doin better i'm so sick i'm bitter but i'll figure it out 1 0 / 2 0 2 0
5.
there's a shadow on the rosebush there's a lighthouse on the lakefront let go of the weight in your arms eggbeater your legs in the dark do yr breaststroke tell yr best joke there's a lighthouse there's a light now the sun is set now the heart is warmer anyway my love is gone now but love's never far away 0 2 / 2 0 2 1

about

All proceeds will be split evenly between Brave Space Alliance in Chicago, and Desert Indigenous Collective in Arizona.

credits

released April 1, 2021

photography, as always, by Zak Payne
some additional mixing & mastering by Ian Iversen
special thanks to Allie, Mom & Dad, Ian, Bridey, Mark, Katja, Zak, Andy, Angela, Osiris, Alex D, & Alex F for listening to the little bits and pieces I showed you. Your time & kind words meant the world.

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cam mahai Los Angeles, California

sad tunes for
sad goons

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